Turning 30

Oh....20. I miss you and your freedom.

I’ll be 30 in a couple days. Yikes! Does make a girl think. As most people with a 9 in the one’s column, I've thought about this birthday a lot. For the most part, I’ve been fine this year, I’ve been excited, content, hopeful…..until about 2 days ago.

Oh, man, I feel like a mess. I’ve spent the last few days intermittently freaking out. All I can think about is turning 30. What's wrong with me? I’m listening to 90’s music (not sure why because that wasn’t my 20’s, but I've linked a few beauties) and I just want to shut the door and have a really long cry. I want to mourn my 20’s, which I guess is normal. I want to let go of all the decisions I made, all the things I did and didn’t do, all the things I “should” have done and “shouldn’t” have done. The people I hurt, the thoughts I had, all the regrets and pain.

Starting our year as RAs...not my favorite job, but I loved getting to know Catherine.

The biggest questions swirling in my head right now, “You’ve lived through your 20’s and what do you have to show for it? Now that your life is on a certain trajectory, what do you think about it? Did you get to live like you were in your 20’s? Did you experience everything the 20’s have to offer?”

I ask back, “Well, what should I have to show for it? Should I have bought a house? Have a steady career? Should I have partied more? Saved more money? Should I just now be thinking about having kids, instead of having 3 children, one of whom is 6?! Should I have waited to get married and lived on my own?”

 

We're all turning 30 this year!

Oh that word “should”!  Hidden in that word is the idea that there is a right way and a wrong way to do things. That there was a major plan that I didn’t see, but if I had seen it, I would have done things differently.  I put a lot of “shoulds” on myself sometimes, but now that I’m more aware of them, I try to let them go by and I don’t board that train, usually, but wow, what having a birthday can do!

 

Pretty much my favorite song ever..so sexy.

Yet this is the life I have. It’s rather constricting to only see the world through this set of eyes, especially when there are so many different perspectives and experiences. I wonder about that a lot. What it would like to be somebody else.

I could probably do a much better job of living this life if I got to have a do-over. But if I did one thing differently, that one thing would change the whole course of it, wouldn’t it? So, it seems quite void to think about that, I guess.

Oh man, I could do some deep thinking right now. Somebody pass the hookah.

 Lovely song...always takes me back.

One thing’s for sure: my 20’s have changed me. Having kids has changed me, Josh’s death has changed me, going through severe postpartum depression has changed me. And I want to keep changing and growing and learning. I want to enter my 30s with an open heart and an open mind.

Celebrating 21 years old at the Olive Garden.

I still have big dreams and goals, and I hope that my 30s will be better than my 20s. I feel freer than I ever have, I feel like I'm learning about who I am and I feel more comfortable in my own skin. That’s something I would have never said at 20.

 

  This song came on the radio the other day...remember it? Hint:

...that incessant little rich boy...

I guess I really am excited about my 30s….so much life to experience, so many things to do and places to go and so many relationships to deepen. I just need to have my moment of looking in the past and remembering, the bitter parts and the sweet parts. 

So farewell 20s.....until we meet again.

Celebrating 30 at Artisan Bistro.

2013: A Review

Happy New Year!

New Year’s is one of my favorite holidays alongside Halloween and the 4^th of July. I love the romantic notion of new beginnings, hope of change and betterment. I also love the organizational quality of putting some boundaries around periods of time. I know there is the arbitrary component of dividing time, but don’t ruin my romantic fantasy moment!

2013 was a nice year, although it went very quick. I think it felt quicker than most because I bought a postcard calendar last year, and at the end of the month, you cut the postcard out and mail it to someone. I had high expectations of doing that, and yet I sent 2. Two of twelve. The months would go so damn fast! So Jesse’s mom, Ellen and my roommate from college, Catherine, you are the lucky 2!  

And since I’m a glutton for punishment, I thought I would try to do the same thing this year…maybe I’ll get 4 mailed!

So some highlights for us in 2013: 

The year got off to a running start when I ran my first 5k on my 29th birthday. It was great! I ran with a lot of track and field people so I was one of the slower ones (not sure why I signed for that one in stead of a more general population 5k...a year later, still don't know why), but it was fun to do and though I would say that I don't like running that much, I can see the mental and physical benefits of it. I have a wonderful friend, Kris, whom I've ran with this year (and her big, protective dog Tuvok) that have made the morning runs not only great, but actually happen.

Go, go, go! Running in Golden Gate Park!

Also last January, I had the brilliant idea that I should re-learn French and when my mom comes over to help with the kids (which she did almost daily) we could speak in French and teach the kids. This was fueled by a lot of things: living close to my mom, keeping closer contact with my family in France, rediscovering my French side and (warning: promotional plug) the book Bringing Up Bébé. I don’t recommend parenting books, ever. But I will break that covenant to recommend this book.  I don’t want to get too tangential, so I will do a post solely on that book later, but the short of it is that it changed my parenting style immensely.  

 

Ben at a Bastille Day Celebration

Speaking French at home and implementing French culture was a very exciting idea for me, as I was pretty depressed with the daily grind of taking care of the kids. By the way, in case you ever wondered what twins are like, they are insane. I repeat, they are insane. If you ever meet someone with twins, give them a hug and tell them, “Take courage, you are doing the impossible.” Every time I meet someone with twins (I can pick out the set of twins from half a mile away, I swear I can sniff them out), we have a moment. It’s like we lock eyes, look into each others' souls and say, “God help us.” And whenever someone says, “Well, just think if you had triplets, or you were Octomom.” No, I can’t. My mind shuts off and all I see is white space. There is just nothing I can say or think, besides “Get help, immediately.”

Don't be fooled, they're crazy.

Anyways, back to the French. So my French was pretty limited back in January. It’s better now that I’ve worked on it for a year but between that and having to constantly remind my mom to “Parle français, s’il te plait!” over and over (she kept reverting back to English and would say, “But, they can’t understand me!”), it was not exactly going fast enough for me. So I found a wonderful French school in the area. It is pretty expensive, but wow, the program is amazing. The teachers are wonderful, and it is quite different that the public school Ella went to last year, which we liked well enough, but the contrast was striking (and I guess the difference should be noticeable at the price!).

Ella took to French very quickly. She had a hard time at first and she still complains about it, but I let it run off my back. I just tell myself, “She’s 5. If she had her way, she would watch TV all day.” Though, I’m much more comforting with her. I know it’s hard. It’s very hard. And it’s so good for brain development. She is really, really challenged by it. She is picking it up so quickly that she is moving to a higher class level this week. I’m so proud of her.

C'est ma petite fille qui j'adore. (This is my little girl whom I love)

Ben, Lacy and I attend a Moms and Tots French class at the school 2 times a week, which is more difficult for me. The twins, especially Ben, cling to me with death grips. They are pretty freaked out by the whole endeavor. But my spot of hope is that Lacy is learning fairly fast and Ben says, “Fini!” after everything: the last piece of broccoli, putting on his shoes, or turning off the TV.

It also get us out of the house and the best part has been all the songs we’ve learned. We can sing and dance together and the kids love, love, love the French songs. We sing them all day long.

So implementing French language and culture has been a big highlight of this year.

Another highlight for me was getting a part time job (which I had to get for the French School to work). And it is a wonderful online, work-from-home job. It’s pretty technical, but the basic of it is I’m proofreading transcripts from financial conference calls that are made at the end of every fiscal quarter. I’ve had to learn a whole new language of investor, business terms, but I love it and I’m really so thankful for it. (Another really cool perk is getting the inside scoop from all these huge companies because I’m listening to the CEOs, CFOs of the companies, TimeWarner, Google, huge pharmaceuticals, I find it pretty fascinating.)

I’ve learned that I need something to do besides caring for the kids. I love being with them AND I need to have a creative outlet with immediate, positive results, cause there are days (many) with the kids, that I think, “What the hell am I doing? I’m ruining these peoples’ lives.” Let’s face it, if I’m looking for immediate results, raising kids is just not where it’s at.

Another highlight was attending Jesse’s step-brother Andrew’s wedding in Georgia. We left the twins with my parents and went for the weekend. It was a gorgeous, Southern wedding and one of my first times in the deep South. I loved it! I also got to have a quick cup of coffee with my dear friend, Emily, whom I hadn’t talked to in a while. It was life-giving to see her again and catch up, albeit brief. (Emily, if you’re reading this, I had a great time and I want to keep in touch with you! Let’s make it happen!)

 

Andrew and Magen's beautiful wedding

In May, my cousin, Marc and his wife, Jessica visited from France. This was such an exciting moment of the year for us. We made a wonderful connection with them and we created a friendship that I hope will continue, despite the distance. Seeing them also added hope to my dream of taking the kids to France for a summer. (And now I think it’s really going to happen!)

Enjoying a freezing and amazing (Panda hit a homerun in the bottom of the 9th to win!) Giants game

The rest of the year was pretty quiet, overall, and we kept our summer plans light.

Then in the fall, I was hit with a bomb when my plans of having Ella attend French school in the morning and Kindergarten in the afternoon completely fell through. (French school is not a certified K school, so for legal requirements Ella had to be enrolled in an American school) I had been planning this with the school district since May, but it seemed that they didn’t get what was going to happen until it actually started happening, and said, “Oh, we can’t do that. You have to choose one school.”

The problem arose in her being about 30 minutes late to Kindergarten, it’s just not allowed by state regulations even though they said they would make an exception. (mmmm, hmmm, side eye at PUSD)

So, we scrambled and thanks to a wonderful recommendation, (Thanks, Jess!) I enrolled Ella in a homeschool program. So here we are, I’m homeschooling Ella in the afternoon and I have not one clue what we will do next fall. So far it’s going well, but it’s Kindergarten, so how can it not go well? First grade and on is a little more daunting, so we will see….

Thanksgiving was very nice, with Karen and Katie flying out for the holiday. It made our Thanksgiving very special, and it was nice to have them here for our crazy Birthday week with my mom (24^th), Ella (26^th) and Jesse (28^th).

Happy Thanksgiving from CA (After this photo we all promptly removed our sweaters...it was so warm!)

These are the highlights of 2013 and reading through them makes it sound like we had this great, amazing year, when 75% of the time it has been really, really hard. The kids, Jesse’s school, the daily chores, thinking about what we are going to do next year are all very overwhelming at times, and I can get very, very down. We are away from a lot of our friends and most of our family, and staying home all day is very isolating. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind in this tiny little apartment that feels many days like an island. I do hope to blog more this year to stay connected with everyone.

So that was our 2013 in a nutshell, well, a large nutshell.  Are you still awake? If you are, kudos to you and I wish you a wonderful 2014 with lots and lots of blessings and good things! 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Josh, Tahoe, Twins and a new apartment

So it has been 2 months since I made a post, and it has been a whirlwind! Here are some updates/highlights:

Josh
Josh sadly passed away on Dec. 13 from genetic colon cancer. We are all relieved that he is done suffering, but it has been a hard time for everyone who knew him and his family. Jesse, Ella and I booked our flights to the east coast for the funeral held on Dec. 19. It was a very hard time, but it was so good to see our family again, and to be with everyone during that time. The funeral was very touching, and a beautiful celebration of Josh's life. I wanted to post what Jesse said at the funeral. When Jesse showed me what he wrote for the service, I thought it was one of the most beautiful things I've read, and really opened a window into his relationship with Josh:

To Josh: 

I cannot think of my childhood without you

You were in every memory, every thought, every time

You required more attention than I, though I never held a grudge

Your creativity was unmatched; you were ahead of your time

You gave by simply being, your ideas were hilarious

You never criticized me

Creativity is all that mattered in your club

Outside the box is where you lived and thrived

OCD could not contain you, Schizophrenia did not define you

Your mind was truly a beautiful thing, always charming and discerning

Right and wrong, moral dilemmas, areas we like to make black and white

You tackled and discussed at length, a model for using our hearts and minds

You didn’t just want “a new law”

Boredom did not exist with you around, it simply could not

I admit sometimes I would zone out, you were often way over my head

You were easily discounted, misinterpreted and confused

For something far worse than you were

Often frustrated, seldom truly heard, and frequently misunderstood

So logical, too logical for your own good, you’d miss the simplistic

You always beat me in the proverbs game, you bum

You never desired any fanfare, for anything at all

Good discussion, feedback, engaging conversation is what you valued

I see it better now, I see you better now

I love you Josh, Do you have to go?

Lara and I recently read a book entitled Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo. It’s a quick read and highlights the true story account of Todd’s son Colton and his trip to heaven while undergoing an emergency appendectomy. Colton was three at the time, but is able to relay details about heaven including Jesus, brilliant colors, and meeting relatives he had never met before. Colton’s matter of fact statements about the realities of heaven are told with such fervor and innocence, he convinces even the most skeptical reader. Lara and I finished reading this book about 12 hours before Josh passed away. We went to sleep with pictures of heaven in our mind and awoke on the morning of Dec 13. to the news of Josh’s passing. God has blessed Lara and I with such a vivid image of heaven through the reading of this book. We feel like God used this story to prepare our hearts and better understand that Josh is with his Savior, without paranoia, skepticism, or questioning if he has done enough. I want to conclude with a common yet powerful passage of scripture. Revelation 21:1-6

Tahoe
When we returned from the funeral on Dec. 22, we had a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit. We had planned a small 3 night trip to Lake Tahoe as a "getaway" for the three of us as a respite from the big changes in our lives. It was a wonderful, rejuvenating trip that refreshed us. The scenery was some of the most spectacular I've ever seen. It was gorgeous!!

 

Twins
So many of you know, we found out we are having twins in May. This has been an utter surprise to Jesse and I.  There are things that you picture yourself doing or having, and twins was not one of them! But we are both very excited, and are trusting that God will keep us secure in his hands through this new time.

As a funny aside, my one rule/motto for having kids has always been, "I just don't want to have 2 in diapers." Hahahahaha...isn't it ironic? We had an ultrasound on Friday, and both babies are healthy and moving like crazy!! And....though it's no guarantee, we saw what looked like a boy!!! (In 2 weeks we are going to Oakland for an "official" ultrasound...so stay posted!!

Apartment
Okay, so my last piece of news is that we found an apartment! We are in newspaper and cardboard boxes up to our eyebrows, and trying to find anything has been a major test in brainpower and patience. I will post pics of the process soon.

Thank you for all the prayers! They are certainly getting us through this time.
Lara